Marriage = Prison?!

„Enjoy your last day of freedom!“ is something we hear a lot at bachelor parties. Followed by laughter.

We seem to think it’s funny. We give people who are about to get married t-shirts that show handcuffs or ankle cuffs and that say things like “See bride for the key” or “Game Over”. I don’t think it’s funny at all. I think it is terrifying that marriage is compared to prison or being arrested by the police. That deciding to build a life together with the person you love is compared to a life sentence which is the worst punishment a criminal can face in most countries. Yet, I get it. Our relationship culture does show certain aspects of bondage. This starts long before marriage. Once in a committed relationship the personal freedom will be reduced significantly. Now there are certain obligations for reporting and countless restrictions as to what one is allowed to think, feel or, God forbid, do. Most of those restrictions and obligations circle around one’s interaction with the opposite sex, or, in case of non-heterosexual relationships, the gender(s) one finds themselves attracted to.

I find it almost amusing how concerned we are with the things our partners do when we are not around. We seem to think that our partner’s interaction with another human being has direct influence on our wellbeing, when, in the case that we don’t know about it, it has absolutely no effect on us. From the intention of making sure that they don’t do anything inappropriate, we forbid, control and argue. In the case that the unspoken rules are broken, we punish. Those punishments are some of the worst a human can face in a social context. Name calling, yelling, and complete withdrawal of connection and affection are the more harmless ones. People being kicked out of their homes, being isolated from social circles and some even getting killed by their significant others out of jealousy are also not too uncommon consequences of so-called adultery. People literally risk going to jail in order to punish someone for inappropriate behavior. Isn’t that crazy? And yet, we all seem to agree that the one unforgivable sin in a relationship is to be attracted to someone outside of the relationship and (in the worst case scenario) acting on it.

Here is why I think this is so severe. We all have only one life. A limited time on earth of unknown length. That’s all we got. Love and connection with other humans is one of the things that give our lives meaning and purpose. Humans are made to feel attracted to others and to be curious about new people. That’s part of the beauty of life. Now, do we really want to take that away from the person we claim to love the most? Is it fair to dictate someone else’s limited time on earth? Do we really want to put them in an emotional or even physical prison?

Instead I think we should strive for both deep connection and freedom at the same time. The quality of the connection between two people, also known as a loving relationship, is not at all determined by whether or not it is the only connection in a person’s life. Just because my partner likes someone else does not automatically mean that they like me less. It’s just that in most cases people will feel (or actually be) forced to make a decision, but that’s a different story.

I want to be clear, I am not saying we should all be polyamorous or in actively open relationships, although I think both are beautiful things. I think there is something to building a deep, long lasting connection, building a life, with just one person. It is also less complicated to concentrate on just one person, plus it makes big life decisions so much easier. But what if we were all a bit less restrictive and controlling and more loving and connected with our partners? Could we be a little less harsh on them when they are just being human and feel attraction to someone else once in a while? Could we maybe even want them to get the most out of life?

In the end, we all don’t know what the future will bring. So instead of worrying about it and trying to control the world, why don’t we just enjoy the connection we have with the people we love?